Innocence Lost

As I mentioned in the preface to this history, I have narrowed the story to avoid the introduction of political issues that might substantiate prior prejudice. To a certain degree, the story sounds like a Laurel and Hardy routine. It was far from that. We were dealing with sophisticated and ruthless opponents.

As her pregnancy advanced, we continued our exercises. One night, it occurred to me to merge the energy in our hearts and let it follow the blood as it traveled the arteries. As the exercise evolved, I was moved to envision the blood actually mixing together. I am convinced that this was not a random impulse. I had no theoretical basis for believing this was a useful thing to do, and it was a great departure from our past practice. I believe that it was fed to me, by people I had taken into my confidences.

The headlines the following week showed her frightened face. She had contracted a "life-threatening blood disease," a tabloid euphemism for a condition requiring an abortion.

My cavalier attitude had killed our child. Her forgiveness of me was an astonishing act of grace, and one that still humbles me. Fortunately, we had help in bringing it right.

She had to reach deep to forgive the people involved. On more than one occasion, they had the temerity to run by us the usual song-and-dance regarding past wrongs. Trying to find a way forward, a year later I came very close to compromise. The following week one tabloid carried a picture of Jewel at seven or eight months, receiving the news of her condition. That stiffened my resolve.

Ultimately, as we will see, it was better to forgive. But that was not to me to forgive. I already had children.