Awakening

In the summer of 2001, I had engaged the services of a counselor to help me guide my children through their parents' separation. Under her suggestion, I began to read the works of Castaneda.

My first irrefutable spiritual experience involved my son Gregory. I took him out of his mother's bed one night, and spent some time looking at the lights across the field below our house with him, attempting to soothe his fears. After his mother had taken him back to bed, I went downstairs, and an incredible feeling of peace came over me. Lying in the dark, I had a distinct vision of Lego bricks, yellow, red, blue and green. Bumps on the top turned over to reveal the matching cavities on the bottom, and fell through space to construct a wall. Gregory had been spending a lot of time trying to emulate his older brother's mastery with Legos, and this dream was clearly his business.

My empathy for Jewel had become active at this point. I could sense her personality, but only dimly. As I remarked, I was undergoing a serious personal crisis, and generally attributed my experiences to sleep deprivation.

Finally, in December of 2001, I began to wake at four in the morning, with a kinesthetic apprehension that something was pushing against a barrier around me. It started as a mild pulsing, which became progressively more persistent over the following week. As I began to accept and explore the sensation, gentle words came through: "Let me in. Let me in."

Castaneda was one thing. This was another entirely. Nothing doing.

But it continued, and over the next few days, the voice became more persistent, until the final morning, when the cadence became "Let me in. Let me in." Heart pounding, I relented. I gathered myself, filling the bubble around me, and responded "Okay." The barrier vanished, and a great sense of space opened around me. Into that space came an apprehension of identity and a dim vision - a woman looking at me over her left shoulder. She said: "You are a beautiful man. Do not allow yourself to be destroyed."

I realize now that I had been living in her heart for those two weeks.

We became lovers.